Tuesday is my day, Franki_boj day. Kids off to school, big boss a.k.a. my wife, off to work. Eight hours full of beer, chips, metal, porn and gore. I’m THE MAN on Tuesdays, the Alpha male in the house, Master of the remote control, president of the united six packs, muncher of chips and meatballs.
But first I have to finish a list of chores my big boss made up for me. Fuck, this list seems endless. Let’s do this, I put on my headphones, plug in my smartphone, let’s play some happy tunes. Hmmm, Ruin/Abysme, a four track split. Hit me.
First chore, feed the dog. Poor boy he ain’t got no water no more. As I take his bowl, “Endless Chasms” by Ruins sets off like a nuclear blast. My eyes start to get glazy, I grab a bottle of Tequila and pour it down my dogs throat. The mix of Repulsion/Cretin/Impetigo makes me go insane. As my drunk dog wobbles away, I set fire to my wife’s huge underwear, so I can roast my meatballs and maybe a piece of my drunk dog, the poured down tequila certainly will spark up things a little.
“Manifestation” is a slow groovy Death Metal monster, it’s fucking danceable. So I tear off all my clothes and start dancing naked around the house. Next chore, do the dishes, hell no. Still jumping and dancing around in my naked Willy, I start smashing the dirty dishes on the floor and against the wall. Yippie-ka-Yee motherfuckers, stains of ketchup against the ceiling, slices of cucumbers slowly dripping of my tv-set.
Abysme is equally groovy and filthy as their fellow dirtbags Ruin. “Diamond Eater” is their first track and I can’t help it, it’s beyond me. Like a mad man I go on to the next chore, do the children’s dirty laundry, hell no. With my dirty feet, i jump on my children beds, trying to match up with Abysme’s groovy tempo, leaving stains all over the fucking place. I open up the windows, stick my head outside and gargle along with Brad Heiple’s moist grunt, I throw the kids clothes on the streets and into the tree in front of my house, giving the tree a colourful look. Yeah I feel great.
Next chore, take out the trash, hell no. I take the trashcans and throw them on my drive way, spilling garbage all over the place, still naked I helicopter my schlong at my dorky neighbour even faster as the blastbeat being produced on “Worship the Slime”. The man starts to scream and cry like a little girl as he notices the length of my Anaconda. Back in the house I start my last chore, vacuum the carpet, hell no. I take the vacuum cleaner and start vacuuming my totally knocked out dog, his tail disappears in the vacuum hose. As Abysme’s last note fades out, I find myself naked in a ruined house, with a drunk but clean dog and burnt ladies underwear in the kitchen.
“Hell yeah, all chores are done” I scream like Tarzan on a testosterone overdose and turn around only to find my wife staring at me with a hateful look, and my children staring at my… (Franki_boj)